Changes in seasons

The change in a season can seem to happen slowly or very rapidly.

I feel as though I have changed completely inside and out, but at the same time fixated on moments where I haven't moved at all.

But that's probably a figment of my imagination, a structure made in my brain.

I have had a roller coaster of a month, I am still recovering from April, and it's the middle of May.... I need some time to sleep and rest.

Not really sure what rest looks like for me anymore; I don't think there is ever going to be a time where life isn't challenging. But through him we have rest? Right?

I have absolutely dreaded this season of change but at the same time it's been the best for me, I want to say that I won't change anything because everything is good, right here, right now.

Bigger the picture, the better it is.

Potential Tattoo? 2 Corinthians 12:10

Last night I woke up at 3:30am restless from my sleep, usually I just sleep right through it.

But I woke up with a clear thought, a scary one of having a permanent marking on my body and also getting it done with Blake who was coming in 14 hours or so. Maybe it was the excitement of my mind knowing that Blake was coming that day or it was the scary thought of getting my tattoo and then the curiosity of what would I get started to play on my mind.

I have always said that I would never get a Tattoo just for the sake of one. And also not a verse just in case I worked in an area that was not a Christian area… or executed Christians…

But then I was wondering, "what if I get it somewhere that nobody can see it"… but then I was like my mum is going to see it in the changing rooms or something… She will check my body haha. Idk it may be something momentary that I am so fixated on at the moment.

I am currently thinking of getting my shell ring (a minimalistic) design on my chest, bottom of my bra.Or a very small flower in the middle of my ribs.

But I am again just swayed by conversations from my flatmates and cheap prices in Thailand, for a very important marking on my body.

I have read my favourite verse once again 2 Corinthians 12:10.

But before that in verse 9 which explains “When I am weak then I am strong.”

“But he said to me ’My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. THAT IS WHY, for Christ’s sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This was the whole reason for my tattoo which I may or may not get. Because of Christ’s power I can boast about my weaknesses because he went through them all and his grace; that we are so underserving of. Your power is all the more powerful and glorified through our hardships and sufferings.

Wouldn’t the displaying of my tattoo to everyone show that I am boasting about my weakness because his grace covered it all and that is why I shall not be fearful because he has it all under control? I am secure in his love. I am secure in my faith because of him, and this is not my own doing.

I am weak so therefore I can be strong on my own?… NO but it is a statement, showing that I cannot be strong on my own. Again and again I will be humbled by it and I will abide in him, and put my crown down at his feet.

I will pray about it, but it is written in my heart even if it not written on my body. 

"For I am yours, and you are mine."

My Week.

Long time no see. 

MY WEEK:                              A Roller coaster.

Where you feel like you're near death and then you're lifted up again.

In my previous post I talked about how I felt a bit lonely and sad after my trip. 

Well those feelings started escalating a lot as I got more stressed and depressed with my routine. 

I was anxious to know if I was getting clinically depressed. 

I know it sounds ridiculous and just plain stupid. 

But I think it got to the point where life was just a constant low where there were bright happy moments at times. Where I laughed but overall I was in a ditch, 

Monday was the day I broke down 4 times; it started at my clinical trial session.

The doctor there and I were just waiting for the time to go after I've taken the placebo. 

we were talking about any symptoms I could face after the dose. There was feeling malice in one of the categories. And I made a joke that I always felt tired and had no energy.

The doctor then began talking about how it could mostly be a mental and emotional issue that makes people feel tired and drained a lot more than when you're physically drained. 

She then talked about her experience in depression and becoming better through seeing a therapist. 

Then we got on to talking about how I really felt. 

And it's been really hard.

What upset and healed me was the doctor telling me I should see my GP and talk to them about my situation, even at the Uni doctors. That didn't end up happening but I kept thinking... there's something wrong with me, I can't fix this and it's coming back. Because I've had severe depression when I was in intermediate and high school. Came so close to just ending my life many times because I thought it was better to die then to keep living. 

I was very wrong.

When the doctor told me to see someone it helped to realize why I had no energy and I would always ask my friends how do they have so much energy than me! I just thought I was terribly unfit! But it was more because I was very drained through fighting an internal battle.

 

Like I was explaining to Rachel, I really did feel as though God raised me to life from the dead and then I went and killed myself. 

There were many reasons that had built up overtime which has resulted to multiple melt downs. 

To name a few it was because I was so used to the new and exciting adventures and I felt like I was just not really living. I felt as though my life was just going down a drain and I was slowly fading away. Also the most important one is because my relationship with the Lord was not progressing I felt as though there was a block. 

As you might tell I really am dictated by my emotions than logic or the spirit and God's truth. 

Faith over feelings. 

My life motto.... that is difficult to keep.

Anyway I got talking to different people and they prayed for me and encouraged me.

I feel like Monday was a long time ago. 

The lesson I got through this is to keep pursuing for the Lord. Because we reap what we sow, and God is there and he does care about or needs. We need to find things that makes us alive. We need to go out and party with girls or go on a date :) 

Or else life will overrule us and our healthy happy minds. 

I could never feel so energetic and feel alive if it wasn't the Lord. 

We will always have a million questions but he wants us to have faith and I think that's the main thing that we can cling on to. 

idk. Have you felt the way I have before? 

Post exchange.

They say that post exchange sucks.

True.

Cos your normal life is not like your exchange life where everything is new and exciting.
I've been having some great ups and downs! Like we all do in life, but I thought it wouldn't be such a harder transition to my normal life. My moonboot (which I don't really wear) has been so annoying haha (sorry for complaining). And I felt like a couch potato for the first week, then festival happened, it was cool. Then back to couch potatoing.
Then mum and I went away to Pakiri (Our fav beach) on Valentines and it was just so good!
We bonded and it was a great time to reconnect and become closer. (A true healing camp).

The reason I feel this way was because I felt unproductive. Really useless and just a waste in space.
Because before I was always doing something, I was always on some sort of mission. It was exciting and it was my drive. But being home I don't really know where I fit in anymore.
I'm not sad about it because, like others know I'm not trying my hardest to try and hangout with everyone. I've been a bit of a lone wolf. And it's actually been really nice! Lonely at times. It sounds really harsh and weird but I don't feel like coming back and living the life I led before I left. Which in my daily habits I feel like I've already conformed to. But I know that there is another community God wants me to be in, and I haven't met them yet, I'm hoping to go to another church and try things out there.
It may not work but who knows!

My time away from Northcross hangz has led me to spend time with my friends who aren't a part of it and who were the ones who contacted me when I was overseas.
The main thing is I don't want to spend time with people who were close to me but didn't bother to contact me when I was away. (BLUNT TRUTH). I've been feeling really productive last week and somewhat this week! Helping others out has been really nice!
Like I always say, God puts people in our lives for a reason.
two of my friends are quite ill at the moment, they are going through the same thing.
I am involved with supporting them and getting them back on the road to a healthier life.
Time is so precious, theres no point moping around.

Love others and Love God.

Post about post contiki

22/01/2015

Finished my Contiki Mediterranean highlights tour, I went and visited my friends around Kingston. Went to life group and had a lovely dinner with Hanne. I was feeling a bit cold last night but I didn’t pick up on any signs of sickness. And then I woke up this morning with a fever and a sore throat. I crawled out of bed and went to the dairy and bought some lemsip. Took a nap and I feel a lot better after eating some rice. My flight is at 6:50pm so I will be heading to the airport soon.

This blog sounds like a robot just wrote it because I feel like a drugged up zombie right now.  I wanted to highlight the things that are going on in my inner self/soul/ spirit whatever right now. These past two days have been about healing and getting reconnected with God. Because for the past 2 weeks I’ve been pretty lost. I loved Contiki but I wasn’t myself and I felt like I lost my faith for a while. I came back; ashamed, guilty, broken, rejected and everything that I valued I ditched it on the side of the road. It’s easier to just go with the crowd, it’s easier to just go yolo #noregrets and just let loose. 

This was my weak moment, I let go of Jesus and I just kept going because I was somewhat sick of being the one who was different. My excuses are pathetic and really I was just living like a non Christian because I was surrounded by others like so and I am not blaming it on the other people, I chose to act that way I chose that path. And I came back not wanting to carry on because I was hurting myself.

I have been feeling the Lord’s love and protection over me throughout the entire trip, he was always there even if I turned the other, he was there helping my ankle, he was there by keeping me safe. My relationship with him might have had a bit of a pause but I didn’t go backwards. I kept thinking to myself that I’ve rejected the Lord so much and I had hurt him a lot with the way that I was behaving. God may not be thinking that because he has taken me back, I am repenting, I have been very open about it with my friends in London and something Hanne said to me really resonates with me. “You are living in the Light, you have shown your weakness in the light and God is counting that, everything that you had learnt when you were over here has not gone in vain. Those things still happened and those blessings still happened.”  

Now I know what it’s like to live a life without God, I know what it’s like to be hungover (Not pleasant at all), I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning feeling embarrassed and being told by your friends what happened the night before because you were too drunk to remember. If that is all there is to my life then it’s a sad sad and an unstable road. There is so much more than to getting wasted and trying to get with some boy who is clearly not interested. There is much more to living than to living life for others to see, or caring and catering to other people’s ego. There is more to life than swearing your head off every second sentence. There is more love and acceptance Jesus gives than from any human being.

I want to go home, not feeling broken and needing healing. I want to feel whole, know that I am fully accepted and love by God and I want to share my experiences with the others back home. I want to be able to have grown and matured, being able to work harder when I return to my life back home.

I have had a crazy run of great highs and lows, I have traveled like crazy! And I am now wanting stability and missing home and the sun. No one will be able to understand everything that has been going on in my time away. But that’s the beauty of it. 

It was God and me. The whole time. 

Just him and me doing life.

SHE

perhaps.