MY WEEK: A Roller coaster.
Where you feel like you're near death and then you're lifted up again.
In my previous post I talked about how I felt a bit lonely and sad after my trip.
Well those feelings started escalating a lot as I got more stressed and depressed with my routine.
I was anxious to know if I was getting clinically depressed.
I know it sounds ridiculous and just plain stupid.
But I think it got to the point where life was just a constant low where there were bright happy moments at times. Where I laughed but overall I was in a ditch,
Monday was the day I broke down 4 times; it started at my clinical trial session.
The doctor there and I were just waiting for the time to go after I've taken the placebo.
we were talking about any symptoms I could face after the dose. There was feeling malice in one of the categories. And I made a joke that I always felt tired and had no energy.
The doctor then began talking about how it could mostly be a mental and emotional issue that makes people feel tired and drained a lot more than when you're physically drained.
She then talked about her experience in depression and becoming better through seeing a therapist.
Then we got on to talking about how I really felt.
And it's been really hard.
What upset and healed me was the doctor telling me I should see my GP and talk to them about my situation, even at the Uni doctors. That didn't end up happening but I kept thinking... there's something wrong with me, I can't fix this and it's coming back. Because I've had severe depression when I was in intermediate and high school. Came so close to just ending my life many times because I thought it was better to die then to keep living.
I was very wrong.
When the doctor told me to see someone it helped to realize why I had no energy and I would always ask my friends how do they have so much energy than me! I just thought I was terribly unfit! But it was more because I was very drained through fighting an internal battle.
Like I was explaining to Rachel, I really did feel as though God raised me to life from the dead and then I went and killed myself.
There were many reasons that had built up overtime which has resulted to multiple melt downs.
To name a few it was because I was so used to the new and exciting adventures and I felt like I was just not really living. I felt as though my life was just going down a drain and I was slowly fading away. Also the most important one is because my relationship with the Lord was not progressing I felt as though there was a block.
As you might tell I really am dictated by my emotions than logic or the spirit and God's truth.
Faith over feelings.
My life motto.... that is difficult to keep.
Anyway I got talking to different people and they prayed for me and encouraged me.
I feel like Monday was a long time ago.
The lesson I got through this is to keep pursuing for the Lord. Because we reap what we sow, and God is there and he does care about or needs. We need to find things that makes us alive. We need to go out and party with girls or go on a date :)
Or else life will overrule us and our healthy happy minds.
I could never feel so energetic and feel alive if it wasn't the Lord.
We will always have a million questions but he wants us to have faith and I think that's the main thing that we can cling on to.
idk. Have you felt the way I have before?
